Want some Non-graphic, Non-pun FUN as well?

Siggi · Moderator Joined: Apr 08, 2003 Posts: 3013 Location: spain

i have sooo many FUNNIES collected over the years, some images as well ....only god knows now who the authors are ... but some are VERY funny and I think they were meant to be shared....this happens to be one of the BIG ones:

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering."

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what humans may tell you.

4) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress!

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

HUSBANDRY: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

REWARD: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

Tecetera should find this useful and some of it could also apply to young children!!??

let me know if I should post more or if this is enough for the next year or so??
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eyesofgreenx · Forum lord Joined: Feb 28, 2004 Posts: 254

i personally loved it as i have two kitties myself. china and tooth faries should enjoy as well!
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MadMutant · Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 3:32 pm Post subject:

Floo, my cat has an addition for your list.

BEDTIME: The best time for getting in and out of the bed repeatedly during the night. Make sure to walk on your human as many times as possible, especially the stomach and face.
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TeCetera · Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 4:54 pm Post subject:

Nice one Siggi.

I've been afflicted with all of the above. Its hard painting your assignment for class when the cats want to lie across your barely dry work. I've had to recreate a two grade assignment courtesy of the extra blurred spots caused by kitty feet. I am unamused.

Actually Tarzan has a bedtime addendum: Wait til humans are just about to doze off. Then jump on bed walk across them and meow at window demanding to be let out. GAH!
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Perseus · Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 12:37 am Post subject:

Thanks Siggi, I had a giggle/chuckle... I haven't had a cat since I was young but I do remember most of the rules as being pretty much spoton!

I'm changing tack now and thought these new words may be of help to some of us older folk.

NEW WORDS FOR 2005

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD. single working girls. Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER JACKET. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed only with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
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Only two things are infinite, The Universe and Human Stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-Albert Einstein
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Boleyn · Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 4:43 am Post subject:

Thanks, Perseus - I just had some classical insights!

LOL - Siggi, I can sign every single rule as well and can add another one:

When your can-opener is cooking, flatter around his/her legs and meow as loud and as often as you can. - As soon as you got that meat throw it up in the kitchen or under the dining table. Both places are well appreciated at this particular time!

Pleeeeeaaaase - Give us more of this stuff!
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Eftelibra · Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2005 6:37 am Post subject:

ROFL Siggi - Yep, they all apply to my Smudge too. But his favourite rule is:

DURING THE NIGHT: Stand outside humans' bedroom door and yell loudly. If this does not bring them running, scratch the door and yell at the same time. When human blearily opens bedroom door, rub against bare legs, particularly when cold and wet. Insist on being fed, then sniff and walk away haughtily with a "Do you really expect me to eat that?" look on face!

Perseus - a great list of new words. I am just in the process of working out how many testiculators I know.

Siggi · Moderator Joined: Apr 08, 2003 Posts: 3013 Location: spain

perseus......BRILL!!
talking about TESTICULating: the spanish workman have a habit of overemphasizing (sp?) every inaudible grunt they utter with a languid scratch of the first part of the root of the above word. not a pretty sight but i think it is statutary!!
eftelibra; know what you mean i had a sensitive 100 + pound dog.....his looks alone could knock me over...
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"May Your Clicking Finger Never Wither"

Tower Tales Book I, II & III

Siggi · Moderator Joined: Apr 08, 2003 Posts: 3013 Location: spain

we seem to have got stuck in the mud a bit so i give you another few i found...had to delete a couple in this list as they were just too NUTTY!!

EVER WISH YOU COULD UN SAY SOMETHING?
>
>Have you ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few stories of people who did and do....
>
>1) I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
>
>2) I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
>
>3) My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
>
>6) This had most of the state of Ohio laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

will post some more in a bit..
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"May Your Clicking Finger Never Wither"

Tower Tales Book I, II & III

gerbick · Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 9:02 pm Post subject:

The way you went from #3 to #6 has me concerned a bit... I mean.

My ribs are already hurting. Were the rest even funnier!? HA-HA!
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Siggi · Moderator Joined: Apr 08, 2003 Posts: 3013 Location: spain

they were funny alright in an adult sort of way and only suitable for after midnight release and definitely not suitable for us young-uns.
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"May Your Clicking Finger Never Wither"

Tower Tales Book I, II & III

Siggi · Moderator Joined: Apr 08, 2003 Posts: 3013 Location: spain

as someone pointed out, it is coming up for elections so here are a few Political Quotes i got from arcamax today:
"I resent your insinuendoes."

"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle

"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."

"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."

"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."

"Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation." -- Marion Berry

"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."

"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."

"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."

"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."

"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."

"Let's do this in one foul swoop."

"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."

"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."

"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."

"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."

"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."

"We have a permanent plan for the time being."

"Family planning has many misconceptions."

"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."

"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."

"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."

"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."

"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."

"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."
_________________
"May Your Clicking Finger Never Wither"

Tower Tales Book I, II & III

Boleyn · Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 1:24 am Post subject:

ROFLMAO Siggi, these are great!!

pssst...and these two mirror the work-style of my boss:

"We have a permanent plan for the time being."

"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."
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Siggi · Moderator Joined: Apr 08, 2003 Posts: 3013 Location: spain

testing the water as these are the STRONGEST funnies i've got:
You know 'that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Steward

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a p...., and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

98% of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
_________________
"May Your Clicking Finger Never Wither"

Tower Tales Book I, II & III

Siggi · Moderator Joined: Apr 08, 2003 Posts: 3013 Location: spain

From the Washington Post -- A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work.

1. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

4. My stigmata's acting up.

5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet. ..

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

13. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

14. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

15. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

16. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

17. I prefer to remain an enigma.
_________________
"May Your Clicking Finger Never Wither"

Tower Tales Book I, II & III